The Struggle is Part of the Story

This summer I have been going through a Bible study with some friends from church. We are doing Angie Smith's "Seamless" study. I have enjoyed following Angie on her blog for several years now, so when I heard about this study I knew it was one I wanted to do. I just had no idea at the time what this study would mean to me and how it would come at a time in my life when I needed it the most.

In the first week of the study Angie asks the question "What experiences in your life have caused you to struggle with believing that [God] is good and that He loves you?" She asked us to write them down and seal them up - it was just supposed to be between us and God. I struggled with this question, not for obvious reasons, but because I couldn't think of anything specific. Nothing of significance anyway. I remember telling Andrew that I didn't have anything to write and how I struggled with it. How did I deserve to have had an absence of struggle when I have witnessed so much pain in the lives of those around me? I remember feeling guilty and a part of me longing to know God in a way that I had only heard others talk about - how you grow closer to God and how real he becomes in the midst of trials.

At the same time, about a week earlier, I had just found out I was pregnant. June 1, 2015 was one of the most exciting days of my life. There wasn't just one line, but two. Two pink lines told me that I was going to be a mother. I was overwhelmed with emotion, but I praised God for the life growing inside me, and instantly became wrapped around the idea of being a mother. In that moment I visualized the rest of my life and what it would look like. Excitement is an understatement. It pretty much consumed my every waking moment and thought for the next few weeks. We wanted to tell my parents in person so that meant waiting a couple of weeks. It felt like forever. That kind of excitement feels heavy, begs to be shared, needs to be divided among people so that it's easier to manage. 

Soon after we told our parents our news, we went for our first doctor appointment and saw the beat of a tiny heart on the ultrasound screen. Everything else melted away except for the image on that screen. Later I could not remember anything the doctor said or that there was even a nurse in the room. That moment changed my life. With every beat of our baby's heart, my heart was being shaped and molded, preparing to love in ways I was only beginning to understand. And I had no idea how that tiny heart would continue to change me in the coming weeks.

I have a feeling I will always think of my life as Before and After. I think tragedy just grips you and changes you in a way that you are never the same. But as I write this it was only two weeks ago that I heard those awful words "I can't find the heartbeat" and I know we have a long way to go on this road. I also know that at that very moment, in the examining room, I was faced with everything I have always believed to be true about God. And I had a choice to make in that moment. Either he was good and he loved me, or not. Simple as that. I realize that I could have gone either way. There's no way to know how you will respond in that moment. But despite my flesh, which was screaming to be heard with shouts of self-pity, doubt, and fear - I chose to believe in what I know of God's character over my circumstances. I chose to believe that He is ultimately good, even when I don't understand. I don't claim to have any answers, I know I never will understand in this lifetime. But as I have known my whole life, but am just beginning to learn, that truly trusting God isn't about having answers or knowing "why".. Rather, it's believing Him when we don't have answers and nothing makes sense. It's knowing that He has never left our side, that He is closer to us in our pain than at any other time in our life, probably because that's when we lean on him the most. It's feeling absolutely torn apart but knowing that somehow he is holding you together. And that the broken places of your heart are allowing Him to enter in.

Just yesterday I flipped back to the beginning of our bible study book. We are several weeks into the study now and each week there have been new lessons to learn and we have grown in so many ways, in our faith but also closer to each other. I will always be grateful for these sweet friends God has placed in my life. I know He placed them there because when I moved here a few years ago, that is what I prayed for. That's another post for another day, but what I am learning is that God always provides. Maybe not on our timeline, not in a way that makes any sense to us, but in His perfect time. So I went back to the very question that I stumbled over a few weeks back. I felt I had something to write this time, so I wrote it down, sealed it up. Gave it to God. It's too heavy for me to carry on my own. I know that we all struggle in different ways and what may not seem difficult to one person is for another like fighting a tide in the middle of a hurricane. And different seasons of our lives bring different kinds of struggles. I know that if I would have been completely honest with myself before, I would have remembered times when I struggled to believe that God had not forgotten me. And I could have written them down. But instead, I compared my struggles to others' and considered mine insignificant.  (In the future, this is probably not the best idea - the comparison trap is never healthy in whatever form it takes). But the truth is, the times of my life that I neglected to write down, those times that seemed insignificant, those were the times God had been using to prepare me and teach me to trust him. In many ways throughout my life, God has proven himself faithful. That is why when sitting in the doctor's office, hearing those awful words, despite the doubts of my flesh, I was able to choose to believe Him. That is why, when later that night I lay face down on the bathroom floor, crying out to him in my hurt and brokenness, I was able to find peace and rest. That is why, when every morning I wake up, when I am tempted to feel despair, I can choose to have hope.

At first, I struggled with the idea of writing about this, or at least sharing it. I am the most vulnerable I have ever been and for me, writing is the most raw expression of my heart. But writing is also healing and I am sure that the prompting I have felt is the Holy Spirit encouraging me that this is my story to tell. And when I was still hesitant about it, He spoke to me through a book I am currently reading. In her book, Bittersweet, Shauna Niequist writes:

"This is what I want you to do: tell your story. Don't allow the story of God, the sacred, transforming story of what God does in a human heart to become flat and lifeless. If we choose silence, if we allow the gospel to be told only on Sundays, only in sanctuaries, only by approved and educated professionals, that life-changing story will lose its ability to change lives."

I pray that God uses this part of my story for His glory, that my pain is not in vain and that He works it all together for His ultimate good. I was also hesitant to write because my story doesn't have a "happy ending". I tried to reason that this would be a much better story to tell later on, maybe after I had a healthy baby so I could share pictures and tell you that God redeemed my hurt and answered my prayer. But I write in faith that the best is still to come. I'm not sure what that may be, not sure I even believe in "happy endings", but I do trust in God's plan and in his character. I trust that someday my story will come full circle, even if I'm not sure exactly what that looks like. I also know that if I didn't share this part of the story - if I only told the happy and neglected to tell of the hurt, of the struggle, then it wouldn't be complete. To borrow from Shauna again, "when we tell the truth about our lives - the broken parts, the secret parts, the beautiful parts - then the Gospel comes to life, an actual story about redemption.." I wish the struggle wasn't part of the story, oh how I wish I didn't have to write about the struggle. But without the broken parts, the beautiful parts wouldn't be as beautiful. And that is what I am clinging to. I know that God makes everything beautiful in time.

Recently, I came across a translation of a verse in Isaiah (chapter 66, verse 9) that I have never seen before.

This is a very simplified translation of this verse, but it spoke to me. Since I am not a Bible scholar, I read several commentaries on what this means. The idea is that Isaiah was referencing the Church. And that since God had, from the beginning of time, planned its increase, he would not abandon it. It's as if God was saying "would I begin something and not finish it?" In the context, the Israelites had suffered through exile, been cut off from their land and from their God. Then, when some were allowed to return in anticipation of the great blessings they had been promised, they found only further suffering. The writer assures the people the promised rebirth of Jerusalem was imminent. God had promised, and he was faithful to fulfill that promise, even though it was hard for them to see in the midst of their suffering. This is where I find hope. In this life, in this broken world, there will always be suffering, in whatever form that takes in your life or mine. But the same promise that was true then is true now - our Rescue is coming.

As I said before, I'm not sure what the end of my story looks like. I would love to take this verse literally and see it as a promise from God that he will allow me to have another child. That the "something new to be born" would be a baby in my arms. But until then, I simply trust and know that He is good.

You Make Me Brave

As I mentioned in a previous post, God has used our circumstances from the past year to prepare us for a ministry opportunity at our church. God has been preparing me but that doesn’t mean that the enemy doesn’t still try to creep in and place fears and doubts in my mind. I am human and stepping outside of my comfort zone is a difficult thing. I know that God has to get me out of my comfort zone in order to help me grow, because only then I am forced to rely on him and he is able to work through me.

I have always been comfortable working with children. They are precious and they don’t judge you. They love unconditionally and speak their mind. They don’t hold grudges or talk about you behind your back. If they are mad at you, they tell you. If they want to be your friend, they just ask. You get my point. Us adults? Well we are a little more complicated. That’s why when Andrew told me he felt God calling us to be involved in some type of ministry with couples our age, I was a little hesitant. I tried to convince him that they probably needed help in the children’s ministry at our church and that we should check into it. He was pretty adamant that he felt God’s call to work with young couples. He reminded me that sometimes it’s good to be out of our comfort zone (he knows how much I love working with kids). And so I agreed to pray about it.

Andrew recently got a call from a pastor that he knows at another local church asking us to pray about working with their youth group. I could handle that, I thought. Leaving our church would be hard but if God was calling us to work with youth, that would be awesome! Deep down they really are just big kids. (I am just walking you through my thought process here. My self-centeredness was still in full force as I was hoping to avoid the one area of ministry I feel the least equipped for. I’m not professing that these were very “spiritual” thoughts at this point). But after talking to the pastor about the opportunity, Andrew told him that he strongly felt God calling him to work with couples our age. The pastor was very encouraging and told Andrew that he would be praying with him about where God was leading us.

Since before we were married, Andrew and I have been involved in a Nearly/Newly Married Lifegroup (Sunday School) at our church. We have been ministered to by some awesome teachers and this has allowed us to develop relationships with other couples in our church who are going through a similar phase of life. So in thinking about ministry with couples our age we had thought about continuing to participate in this class and maybe start another Bible study for young married or un-married couples. We would open it up to anyone, even outside of our church. We felt peace about this but were still praying about how it would all play out. And then two weeks ago one of our teachers from the Lifegroup we are in now approached Andrew and asked if he had ever thought about teaching. They were wanting to step down from teaching our class and asked if we would be willing to take it over. Wow! We were immediately sure that this had been God’s plan all along and the promptings of the Holy Spirit that had been placed on Andrew's heart. And I was glad Andrew had been talking to me about this for the past few months because I have had time to pray about it and God has had time to work on me and my willingness to step outside of my comfort zone. 

We are so completely humbled and in awe of God’s willingness to use us. As I said earlier, I feel so unequipped in this area. So it does not surprise me at all that this would be where God is calling us. God tends to use our weak areas because only when we are weak do we allow him to fully take control and work through us. A verse comes to mind. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”  2 Corinthians 12:9 

I know that God is faithful and we have already seen him moving in our small group. I see it in the spiritual gift of teaching that he has blessed Andrew with, the willingness of others to help us lead and the relationships that we have developed with others in the class as we do life together. Our vision for this class is to create a sense of community where people our age can come together and invest in each other's lives and encourage each other's spiritual growth. As proverbs says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

As I was praying about all of this yesterday I heard a song on the radio that resonated so deeply with me. It is called “You Make Me Brave” by Amanda Cook & Bethel Music. The lyrics to this song are just so beautiful and have already begun to encourage me as we begin this next season. 

“I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore into your grace

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made"

Please be in prayer with us as we begin this journey. If you are in our area and would like more information about our class please feel free to contact me at laurayoung922@gmail.com. We would love for you to join us as we learn and grow together!

The Difference a Year Makes... A New Season

Last March, Andrew and I began a different kind of season in our marriage. I almost used the word difficult, but in retrospect, although it was difficult at times, that’s not what stands out the most. It was one of those seasons that changes us for the better even if we can’t see it at the time. It was a season of growth.

 

Early last year Andrew was asked to manage a job for his company which would require him to be gone out of town for the majority of the time. He would get to come home on most weekends, for which I was so grateful, and we knew it would last up to a year. { I want to stop here with a quick disclaimer: I realize that there are couples and families who are separated for longer than this and don’t have opportunities to even spend weekends together. I know that our situation could have been much harder. This post is simply about our specific situation and what we learned from it.}

I went through a period of denial at first as I didn’t want to think about spending most of our second year of marriage apart. But then there was the fact that a camper was parked in our driveway and the next thing I knew we were putting sheets on the bed and adding picture frames here and there to try and make it as home-y for him as we could. It was no longer possible to ignore the fact that he was really going.

I processed it the best way I knew how but that first Monday morning getting ready for work after he left around 3 a.m. was hard. I was just going through the motions and wishing the day away. I wish I could say that I handled it really well, but in reality I had myself a big ‘ol pity party. I tried to keep the perspective that it could be much worse, but honestly it just stunk. It was just one of things that at the time I didn’t understand how anything good could come from it and I didn’t think it was fair that we were having to put our marriage on hold for his job. You can say I was just a little spoiled and self-centered. But then, the weekends starting coming around quicker than I realized and we spent incredible quality time together and didn’t waste a precious second. And the weeks turned in to months and we got into a routine that worked for us.  

Although I still missed him terribly, I learned how to make the most of my time. I got involved in a girl’s bible study group, joined a mentorship program at our church, ramped up my quiet devotional time – which were all opportunities for spiritual growth that I could have done, but probably wouldn’t have had as much time for if Andrew had been home in the evenings. I also hadn’t expected how much we would grow together during this time. Yes, I knew that we would survive it – but growth? I had only thought of what would have to sacrifice, not what we would gain. But God has an awesome way of using the tougher parts of our lives to shape and mold us. We grew as a couple because we depended on each other and knew no one else understood what we were going through. We prayed together on Sunday nights and we trusted God to protect us. We prayed for physical safety as well as the health of our marriage. We prayed for God to use us where he had placed us and trusted that it was for a reason.

Well, it’s been a little over a year since that first early morning good-bye. We are settling into a new routine with Andrew able to be home most of the time now. We look back and can’t believe how much we have grown this past year. A lot has changed but a lot has stayed the same too. We are so thankful for an ordinary night together – of coming home and just cooking dinner or sitting on the back porch and getting to have face-to-face conversations about our day. We are now getting to see how God was working all along. How he was shaping both of us individually and teaching us to depend on him in preparation for what would come. It is amazing how God works. He can use everything for his good. We have been praying about how God would use us – use our marriage for his kingdom.  And just as always, God’s timing is perfect. We have just been offered an awesome ministry opportunity that I will write more about later. I can’t wait to share how God orchestrated it in his perfect plan. 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:28

This time last year I could not have imagined where we would be right now. I am so thankful that God was able to take my self-pity and turn it into something good. To take my loneliness and turn it into spiritual growth. To take my fears and give me peace in its place. It is a continual process and I still struggle with these, but God uses the past to remind me of what He can do. I’m so thankful that he doesn’t give up on me. I am excited to see where God takes us and how he uses us in this next season! 

Two Years.

On Monday Andrew & I celebrated two years. Two years. How is that even possible? Just yesterday I was walking down the aisle of our church with the cutest boy waiting at the altar. Just yesterday we were dancing to Frank Sinatra in his parent’s front yard surrounded by our family and friends. But two years worth of memories bridge the gap between then and now and convince me that here we are. Two years later. 

As I was just reminiscing on how absolutely wonderful our wedding day was, the thought hit me that if someone was to offer me the chance to go back to that day, my answer would always be no. Because as wonderful as that day was, today is even better. Today – with all of its messiness and chaos that is life – is so much sweeter because of the days in between that have shaped us. The days that were hard and we woke up a little less giddy than on that first morning. The days that broke us down and forced us to rely on each other. The days that we learned what made each other tick – and the days we learned how to love in each others language. 

Every time we were forced to sit down and have the hard conversation, to say the hard words, to extend forgiveness, to choose love. Every prayer that we uttered, every inside joke we shared, every time we danced in the kitchen. I am a much better person – we are a much better couple – than we even could have imagined that night as we swayed and twirled in our fancy clothes and our shiny new rings. We couldn’t have known that it was possible for our hearts to expand in such ways, to love deeper. For our hearts to actually feel like one and the same.

Andrew's love has taught me more about Christ's love in two years than I could have learned in a lifetime. He loves me when I am not lovable and extends grace when I definitely don't deserve it.

He is my biggest supporter, my most loyal friend, my forever dancing partner. I cannot wait to see what the next few years bring because I can't imagine loving him any more than I do now. My heart is full.

                                       

We were actually worried that we wouldn't get to spend our anniversary together because Andrew is working out of town most nights of the week right now. At the last minute he got to come home, but had to get up super early Tuesday morning to drive back to work. We are thankful for such small blessings.

Since we were on vacation last year we didn't eat our wedding cake so we dug it out of the freezer and tried to eat it - it was awful. You aren't missing anything if you have never tasted a 2 year old cake.

 

Happy anniversary to my sweet sweet husband!

And thanks to Courtney Fallin at www.courtneyfallinphotography.net for the use of these pictures and for doing such a fabulous job! The pictures were taken on our property where we plan to build a house next year so they are special to us. :-)

Caribbean Getaway 2014

Andrew and I have been counting down to this trip since we booked it back in February. So sad that this vacation is over but thankful for the opportunity to go and the memories that we made. We decided to take a big trip this year since next year we will be building our house and most likely will not get to go anywhere. It came at just the right time since Andrew has been traveling for work each week for the  past five months and it has been that long since we have spent a full week together. We had a wonderful time.

We started our trip off with a bang with almost missing our plane leaving out of our local airport headed to Atlanta. Our flight was to leave at 6:00 a.m. and I don’t know what possessed us to think we could get to the airport at 5:30 and still make it. We thought we remembered it only taking that long last time (our regional airport is very small with only a few flights leaving each morning). Talk about living on the edge. I thought the guy checking us in was joking when he asked why we had arrived so late. Then when he handed me our boarding passes and said ‘good luck making your flight’ I knew we were in trouble. The line for security was so long and seemed like it took forever – I was praying so hard we would make it. In Andrew’s version of the story he says I was crying. I say I was doing a nervous dance. Either way when we got through security we ran all the way to the gate to hear them making final boarding call. That was way too close for me! Lesson learned. The rest of our trip went smoothly with on time flights and no lost luggage. Small blessings. The worst part of the whole trip was the hour and half ride from the airport to our resort on the most curvy mountain road you can imagine. But we made it!

I don’t even know where to start with talking about how beautiful everything was. The only way I know how to explain it is that I felt like it absolutely exhausted me to keep looking at everything because I had reached my limit of how much beauty I could see at one time. I am not kidding. We stayed  at the Sandals Halcyon resort but there were two other Sandals resorts on the island, the Grande St. Lucian and Regency La Toc. There was a complimentary shuttle that ran between all three (only 15 minutes apart) and you could use amenities at any of them. I fell in love with the Sandals resorts. Everything was so nice and well taken care of – we were waited on hand and foot! Our favorite resort was the Grande St. Lucian just because it was the newest and had the best atmosphere. Our resort was smaller and quieter with more of a garden type feel than a tropical one. If we go back we will definitely stay at the Grande but we enjoyed our resort too! There is no way you couldn’t enjoy it no matter where you stay.

We had the opportunity to go on a sunset sail to see The Pitons and swim/snorkel in a bay area between the two peaks. I was nervous about going because I get seasick but the waters were super calm and I didn't worry about that at all once we were on the water. It was a wonderful experience and I am so glad we went! The area where we snorkeled was over a protected reef and it was so beautiful. Wish we had had a water camera!

 We also went ziplining! I had been before on a smaller zipline but nothing like this! We got to ride on twelve different lines through the rainforest - some that were almost 700 feet long and with speeds up to 30 mph. It was so much fun! 

Andrew got to play golf at the Regency La Toc course. Golf was included but they required you have a caddy to play. I think Andrew liked having someone carry his clubs, help decide which one to use, and get down and look at breaks on the greens for him. I told him not to get too used to it! The course was beautiful – located partly on the side of a mountain and some in a valley.

We were so blessed to have the opportunity to take this trip! If you ever get the chance to go to St. Lucia - you should definitely go!