An Unexpected Adventure

This past New Years’ Eve I was rocking Camille and saying our nightly prayers and I vividly remember praying for God to prepare my heart for what the next year held. I didn’t even know what that meant at the time or why I was asking God to prepare my heart, but I sensed a gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit and so I continued to pray that God would reveal himself to me in new ways and that we as a family would be willing to follow Him wherever He led us. I remember even feeling a little unsettled as I prayed those prayers because I knew God must be up to something. I am not one to like change or welcome change in any form. But during those first months of 2018 it was as if God placed those prayers on my heart over and over again.

Before I go on with this story I need to stop and share a little background of what this season of life has looked like for us. 

About a year after we were married Andrew and I began to dream about building our home and so we bought a piece of land and begin to design what we often referred to as our “forever home”. I sat down at our kitchen table one day and begin to draw out plans on a piece of paper. It was very much a rough draft, but with the help of my dad and an architect it quickly became our actual house plans. The building process for us went very smoothly and we were so thankful to move into our home in November 2015 when I was about four months pregnant with our daughter Camille. Four months after moving in, our area experienced record breaking rainfall and widespread flooding. We watched helplessly as many of our neighbors’ and friends’ houses succumbed to the flood waters entering their homes. It was heartbreaking to watch but still so encouraging to see so many people come together to help their neighbors. We are forever grateful for everyone who showed up to help pack sandbags and pump water away from our house during all hours of the day and night, with the water eventually stopping inches from our doorstep. After surviving the flood and then bringing our first child home the following month, we were emotionally attached to our house and said often that we could never imagine moving or living anywhere else. The flood had taught us a lot though and we also knew not to hold too tightly to any earthly possession. We knew what truly matters are the people that make the house “home”, and of course, following God wherever he leads. Although I will admit I selfishly prayed that we would get to live in our house forever and enjoy watching our children grow up in the same house where we brought them home as babies.

 

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I have been working as an Occupational Therapist in our local school system since 2013. I love my job and it has been the perfect fit for our family. I’ve always been able to view my job as a way to encourage the children and families I work with, and the schedule has allowed me time to spend at home as well. After Camille was born, I struggled with returning to work and assuming the role as a working mother. I specifically remember the night before going back to work when Camille was only a few months old. I knew that financially there was no option for me to stay home at the time but I poured my heart and my desires out before the Lord that night. He gave me such peace about going back to work and I knew that he would help me make it through the tough days ahead. Still, I was completely open with him and said that if there was any way possible that my heart’s desire was to be able to stay home by the time we had a second child. It was too heavy for me to carry that around so I left that there with him that night. I remember getting in bed that night and telling Andrew about the conversation I had just had with God about all of this. He was thankful I had peace about going back to work but he actually laughed at me and the request I had made to God. I knew it was a little silly myself because I could not imagine a way we would ever be able to afford for me to stay home. But still it was heavy on my heart and I felt better leaving it with God. It doesn’t mean I never struggled with it again, but God has always been faithful to give me strength on the hardest days.

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Andrew has been working with his family at their electrical contracting company since he was old enough to work (and maybe even before ha). He very much enjoys and is good at what he does. His work schedule is flexible and besides a few projects before Camille was born, he has been able to be home with us most every night. Around the same time this year that I began praying for God to prepare my heart for what this year might hold, Andrew also began praying that he would be open to where God was leading our family. He prayed specifically for God to expand his territory and his capacity for sharing the gospel. I don’t think we even realized each other was praying for these things yet but nonetheless God was preparing both of us in our own ways. I admire my husband for many reasons but have been so incredibly thankful for his spiritual leadership in our family as well as in our church. He serves our family well and also has an incredible gift for teaching and leading. Any time I have stepped out of my comfort zone and have done things that ultimately resulted in my own spiritual growth was because he was behind me encouraging me all the way.

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One day this past May, Andrew was sitting at his desk at work when he got a phone call from a hiring company in Ohio asking if he was interested in an electrical sales position opening in Houston, Texas. Someone had given them his name and information and felt he would be a good fit for this position with this particular company. Andrew had a few connections with this company due to already being in the field, but had not reached out to anyone about this position. I remember him telling me about it and that this was a very well-known manufacturing company in the electrical industry, but the details are a little blurry to me, mostly because I didn’t take it very seriously. I just thought it was one of those random hiring companies calling a long list of people they had found on an online database. When he talked about it being in Houston I tuned out even further thinking there was no way we would move for a job. Besides, he already had a job and I had already prayed that we would stay in our house and live happily ever after. I am being completely honest here but I was not thinking very spiritually at this point. Andrew decided he would follow up with them as requested but that we would pray for God to just close this door if it wasn’t from him and wasn’t something he was leading us to.

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Around this same time the girls in our lifegroup were praying about what Bible study we would do for our next study for the summer. For the past several years we have tried to have girls bible studies pretty regularly and we have seen so much growth and so many things God has done come from this time together with this group of amazing women. A group of us had just planned and attended an If:Gathering simulcast at our church and we were super encouraged by Christine Caine and her message during this year’s conference. Someone mentioned that she had a new book coming out and everyone seemed to agree on it almost immediately. The title of the study? Unexpected. I didn’t realize how impactful this book would be during the coming months as we faced some really hard and unexpected decisions. Looking back it was exactly what I needed at the time.

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Well instead of doors closing as I had secretly hoped, the doors just kept opening – one right after the other. One phone interview led to another phone interview until eventually Andrew was invited to an in-person interview in Houston around the middle of June. My prayers turned into pleads for God to prepare my heart or close the doors. We also thought there was a possibility that if they were to want to hire Andrew that he would be able to travel back and forth to Houston a night or two during the week and work from home the rest of the time. So I went with him to Houston and continued to pray during his two hour interview. I saved a prayer from that day and it brings back all the emotions of that day for me.

 “God I pray that the way would be made crystal clear in moving forward. I trust that you have already worked on our behalf and have provided all that we will need for today and for the days to come. I know that you would not lead us anywhere where you have not already provided so I just rest in that. I praise you God because you are good no matter how this turns out and what the future looks like. You are a good Father and you hold us in the palm of your hand. I thank you that you see the best in us even when we don’t see that in ourselves.”

This continued to be my prayer over the next few weeks as we waited to hear back after his interview. His interview had gone well but we also knew that they had interviewed several others so it definitely could go either way. He had found out that day at the interview that the job would require him to relocate to the Houston area. We placed it into God’s hands and decided to make a specific request to God as to how we would know if this was where he was leading us.

 

There is a story in the Bible in the book of Judges about a man named Gideon and God’s call on his life to save his people Israel. Israel had once again turned from God to worship the false gods of the people around them. Because of this they had been oppressed by the people of Midian for seven years. They cried out to God for help and He sent an angel to Gideon to tell about his plan to save his people and how that would involve Gideon. I appreciate Gideon’s honesty here and his need for God to visibly confirm his promises to rescue them. I can relate to this desire for God to tangibly show him evidence of His promise. He asks God for several signs – which God does – but as the Midianites approach for battle and Gideon sees the large army before Him He asks again for another sign.

“Gideon said to God, ‘If you will save Israel by my hand as you have promised – look, I will place a wool fleece on the threshing floor. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then I will know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you said.” And that is what happened. Gideon rose early the next day; he squeezed the fleece and wrung out the dew – a bowlful of water.” Judges 6:36-38

 Although we weren’t facing a visible army before us, Andrew and I felt this same urgency for God to show us if this was in fact where he was leading us. We just asked that if this was his plan, that Andrew would get the job and we would just know and have a peace about moving to Houston. And if he didn’t get the job we would take that as our sign to stay. It was no longer our decision to make, it was in God’s hands. 

[Please don’t confuse this asking for a sign as if we were “testing” God – the Bible specifically says that we are not to put our Lord to the test. This type of unacceptable “testing” God is birthed from doubt which demands that God prove himself to us as a way of determining whether or not He can be trusted. In asking for a “sign” we were asking out of our faith in who God is and asking him to reveal more of himself to us. Faith, by definition, takes risk. When true faith is present, obedience follows. It is that faith-inspired action of obedience that God desires.]

I continued to pray for God to prepare my heart or close the door. I know I keep saying this but this was the prayer that was on replay in my heart. Thoughts of possibly having to leave our home, our church, our family, and our friends consumed me and sometimes all I could do was just whisper that prayer over and over. 

As I mentioned earlier, I was also reading Christine Caine’s book Unexpected during this time. God used this book to answer my prayer. Without a doubt he used this book to prepare my heart for what he had in store. A week after his interview I looked at Andrew one night and told him that I knew he was going to get the job, that God was calling us to Houston. I don’t think Andrew was convinced at that point, but I felt in my heart that God was preparing me. He used these words by Christine Caine to speak courage right into my soul –

“It is a place of freedom where we let go of what we once wanted in exchange for what we never expected – a new adventure. But we can’t get there by ourselves. Only God can catch and carry us into the new life we never imagined and take us to places we never considered going.”

 “God always prepares us for the place he has prepared for us…. We all have wilderness  seasons in our lives, times when everything that feels familiar, stable and comforting     falls away. But that’s exactly why the wilderness is a place of transformation. With nothing to distract us from ourselves, and with no one but God to rely on, the conditions   ripe for growth and change.”

“God knew the end from the beginning, but I did not. God knew he was preparing me,     but I did not. God knew all the unexpected moments were leading somewhere. I just trusted him and took steps, and he has never wasted one step. ‘The Lord directs the steps of the godly,’ writes the psalmist. ‘He delights in every detail of their lives’ (Psalm      37:23).”

“When Jesus poses his unexpected question to us, we have a choice to make. We can focus on our limitations and problems, or embrace the miraculous possibility he offers    us. We can run away saying a loud no, or run forward proclaiming a loud yes… I knew    there would be more freedom waiting for me on the other side. I knew that my healing wasn’t just about me – that there were people to reach beyond myself. So I said yes.”

So by the time we got the phone call in July telling us that they had chosen Andrew for the job, I was not surprised. Neither was I surprised when I realized that this job was going to allow me to be able stay at home with Camille. I will admit that I was a little surprised a few weeks later when we found out we were expecting our second child. God was already in the business of answering the prayers I had poured out before him during some of my most vulnerable days. He was just answering them in completely unexpected ways.

 

Since we got that phone call in July offering Andrew the job and made the decision to say “yes” to God in this, things have not necessarily been easy. But God has been so faithful and has continued to confirm this over and over again for us. Every time I have begun to doubt his plan and our decision to move to Texas he has sent me another reminder of his faithfulness and little glimpses of what he has for us there. 

We appreciate your thoughts and prayers during this time of transition for our family. We believe that we aren’t just moving to Houston for a new job for Andrew. There are specific reasons that God is leading us there and we trust that He will reveal that to us in time. 

"This is what the Lord says - your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: 'I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.'" Isaiah 48:17

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

To My Sweet Girl on your 1st Birthday

How do I begin to tell you how much your first year has changed me- how being your mom has made me a better person? Made me feel things deeper, see things more clearly. How sometimes when I look at you or hear your deep belly laugh that I feel like my heart might explode? I love you from the little bit of hair on the top of your head all the way down to your cute little chubby toes.

This picture is dark and isn't at all the best picture that we have from your first days in the hospital but it is one of my very favorites. I snapped it on my phone during the middle of the night after a feeding. Your dad was asleep on the fold out chair beside us and everyone else had long gone home. The nurses had brought you to me and left. I was alone with you for the very first time and I felt the weight of what it meant to be your mom. I realized that this was no longer just a dream about one day having a daughter and getting to play dress up and teaching you how to bake cookies. This was the moment that I knew I would do anything and everything to take care of you for the rest of my life. I didn't realize that I had been waiting for this moment to fully grasp what it meant to be your mom. But so many thoughts and feelings washed over me all at once and I stayed awake just to stare at your sweet face and pray that God would help me to be what you needed and that when I fail, he would fill in those places. Because even on my best days when I feel like we have maybe gotten it right, I will never come close to being all that you need. I pray that your dad and I will always teach and model God's love and that you come to truly know him and have a relationship with Him that is more important to you than anything else. And that whatever you do and wherever life takes you, even if you mess up, your relationship with God will sustain you and always draw you back to Him. Because as much as we love you, I will always tell you that He loves you best. 

I pray all the time that you will come to love God and accept him as your Savior, but also that you would have a fierce and overwhelming love for other people, that you would put other people's needs above your own, that you would have a servant's heart. That you would understand from an early age that this life is not about us- but God uses our lives for his greater purposes if we allow him. You have such a joyous spirit about you already and I pray that never changes. I love watching you see things for the first time - almost everything makes you smile. I hope you always view life with such overwhelming joy - that no matter the circumstances, even on your most challenging days, you can still find a reason to smile. 

I don't always rock you to sleep because you usually go to sleep on your own, but for these last few days I have rocked you and held you long after you fell asleep. This first year has shown me how fast time goes by and I want to soak in these sweet moments as long as I can. I want to remember your sweet baby smell and how it feels to have your little baby hand touching my face. I want to sing to you and pray over you and imagine all the things you will do in your life. As much as I would love to keep you this small forever, I know we would only miss out on so much more. I can't wait to watch you grow and be a part of all the things that God has planned for you. So tonight I will hold you a little longer but tomorrow we will wake up and celebrate you. Your life is so special and I am so blessed to be a part of it - to get to be your mom is such a precious gift. We have so much more to learn but we will learn together as we go. I hope you always know that I love you and will always be your biggest fan. I love you, my sweet sweet Camille Catherine. Happiest of birthdays - the best is yet to come.

Just a quick note..

I have started writing many times lately but for one reason or another have yet to complete a post. I love writing about things going on in our lives and there is so much to be said as there have been so many exciting things happen in this last year including moving into our new house and the birth of our precious blessing, Camille Catherine. I fully intend to continue writing and hope to spend some time reminiscing and documenting Camille's birth story and my transition into motherhood at some point, but for now, it is difficult to find the time and emotional energy for it. I am soaking up every minute with this precious little one because it is already going by too fast for this momma. For now, enjoy these pictures from Camille's baby dedication last Sunday. 

“He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”

Isaiah 40:11 NIV

Home on The Bend part 1

Back in May we started building our house, but due to the record-breaking rainfall amounts in May we really didn't get started until June. We were so excited when our builder texted us a picture to say they were breaking ground and when we rode by later that evening to see that dirt work had been started. I'm not usually a fan of dirt, but that day it looked absolutely beautiful.

 
During the month of June we looked forward to going out to the house every night to see what had been done. The framework of the house came up so fast! They poured our foundation on June 12th and then by the 26th the framework was mostly complete. It was so fun to walk through and finally get a feel for the layout of the rooms after only seeing them on paper for so long.

Getting ready for the foundation - June 11th

We have a foundation! June 12, 2015

Framework Day 1 - June 22nd

Going fast! June 25th

June 26th

 

 

Outdoor fireplace

Stucco and column colors finished.. waiting on wood stain for door and ceiling

Roof going on - July 20th

Roof almost finished!

Right now, the house is getting electrical wiring (courtesy of my sweet husband), plumbing, air conditioning and they will soon be starting on sheetrock. The brick should be coming soon too! This week I have been choosing interior paint colors and looking at floor selections. Next week we should have a cabinet design meeting. Whew - so many decisions! But it hasn't been too bad so far, I am just taking it one thing at a time!

One thing we are doing is starting to pray over our house now - praying for God's protection and that our house would always be used for His purposes. That it would be filled with lots of happy memories and would be a safe place during tough times. I read a book earlier this summer, it was actually an interior design book but from a Christian perspective, and the author talked about praying over the rooms of your home and gave some specific verses to pray over each room. We actually wrote some Scriptures on the beams inside the rooms - they will be enclosed but we will always know that we have God's words within the walls. Hebrews 4:12 tells us that the word of God is alive and active, sharper than any double-edged sword.

Well, that's all we have for now - I can't wait until the interior starts coming together. Our expected completion date is the end of October, so it won't be much longer!

The Room

Just yesterday I sat back in The Room. The one with the tan walls and the painting of the brightly colored flowers, likely placed to give the otherwise blank room a little color and life. The one with the ultrasound machine that shows expectant mothers their babies’ heartbeats, and the same machine that delivers the crushing news that a heartbeat can’t be found. This time was different of course. I wasn’t expecting anything really. I had been back once since that day, a different room, a different machine, but I knew the facts. My body was still trying to hold on to what was left of the pregnancy. In my frustration over having to continue to deal with the loss, I told Andrew that I wished my body would get the message and just do what it was supposed to. That’s when he reminded me that my body was doing what it was supposed to, trying to hold on to life at all costs.

I had already signed all the paperwork, the consent forms that protected the hospital should something go wrong. My appointment for surgery had already been made. I was supposed to go downstairs to have my pre-op lab work done and then report back the next day at 11 o’clock. The nurse had gone through the details of the procedure and had answered my questions. I was nervous of course, I really shy away from any type of surgical procedure, especially ones that involve needles and being put to sleep.  Which really means I dislike every type of surgical procedure. Maybe it has to do with a fear of pain or fear that something could go wrong, but I have a feeling it has more to do with my fear of being out of control. I was willing to do it though. Three weeks on this roller coaster had been long enough for me and I was ready to get off. 

As I sat in The Room waiting for my doctor, I tried to be strong. I tried not to think about what it was like the last time I was here, and instead just focus on the facts. Going over in my head what the nurse had told me would happen. Andrew reminding me that it would be a quick procedure and then he would get to take me home. That this nightmare would be over soon, and I could start the long process of healing.  And then something happened. In the physical realm, it was simply that a nurse came and brought the ultrasound machine in the room and left. But something else. A nudging of the Holy Spirit. As I stared at the machine, I thought about the possibility of not having to have the procedure at all for the first time. Sure, I had been praying – prayers that everything would go okay, that God would be with my doctor to help her make the right decisions, that He would give me peace and comfort about it. But I had not been praying for a clear ultrasound. Up to this point, I had not considered the possibility. I had taken the medicine and it had not worked. I had waited the amount of time, taken another test, still positive. [Oh, the irony of it all. A positive test when I needed a negative. Knowing at some point all I would want would be a positive.]  I had focused on the facts, what the doctor had told me needed to happen, and had not. I had not thought to pray for something that felt out of my reach. But sitting there, staring at the machine, the reality of it all just before me, I begged God for it. I prayed fervently out of a desperation of my heart, not just with words, but with my spirit. I’m not so sure it had as much to do with not wanting to have the surgery at that point. I knew the procedure wasn’t that big of a deal, so many women have it done and I knew deep down I would be okay. But at that moment, I needed to know God was with me. I needed to know that he heard me, that he cared about the details. I needed to feel the loving protection of a Father. I was willing to accept everything else that had happened, but I desperately needed Him to show himself to me.

I have referenced Shauna Niequist’s book “Bittersweet” before because there is just so much in her book that has spoken to me in this season. I remember a part of the book where she talks about what the Celtics call “thin places.”

 “One of my favorite Celtic ideas is the concept of thin places. A thin place, according to the Celtic mystics, is place where the boundary between the natural world and the supernatural one is more permeable – thinner, if you will. Sometimes they’re physical places. There are places over Ireland where people have said, if you stand here, if you face this direction, if you hike to the top of that ridge at just the right time of day, that’s a thin place, a place where the passage between heaven and earth is a short one, a place where God’s presence is almost palpable. Thin places: places where the boundary between the divine world and the human world becomes almost nonexistent, and the two, divine and human, can for a moment, dance together uninterrupted. Some are physical places, and some aren’t places at all, but states of being or circumstances or seasons.”

I’m not one to usually believe in mystical ideas, but to me, it isn’t so much about mystics as it is about a Holy God and a belief that He can show us a little bit of Himself in very tangible ways. Many people describe an experience where they felt God’s presence in different ways. But I like this idea of thin places and for me, yesterday, that examining room was a very thin place. You see, when the doctor came in and did the ultrasound, the ultrasound to confirm that I needed the surgery, it didn’t surprise me that she found nothing and gave me a clear report. As she told us “this is good news, sometimes these things just happen and we can’t necessarily explain it,” I knew that God had moved. He had moved in that room and I had felt His presence so close. As the doctor left the room I broke down into sobs and was so overcome by the Holy Spirit that I couldn’t even talk. I felt like Andrew was concerned because of my outburst and he kept reminding me that this was good, that I wouldn’t have to have surgery, that this part of the ride was over. But what he didn’t know and I couldn’t even  describe at the time, was that they weren’t sad tears. This time they were grateful tears, grateful that God had heard me, that he had showed me more of Him, that he had reminded me that he was very near, even in that Room. 

I never wanted to have to go down this road, to experience this pain. But God has taught me so much in such a short time and I am learning more every day. He is reaching down and showing me little glimpses of heaven in this broken world. He is teaching me to pray for the things that He places on my heart, instead of speaking empty words without faith.  He is teaching me to look for Him in the most unlikely places, to live in constant expectancy of Him. I have realized that in my life, the thin place wasn't just that examining room. I found Him there because that's where I looked for Him the hardest, where I took hold of Him and refused to let go. But any moment, any circumstance, any season of our lives can be a thin place. I now more fully understand the meaning of Jeremiah 29:13.

I don't know where you are right now reading this, what kind of road you are walking down, but I promise you if you look long and hard enough, if you take hold of God and refuse to let go, He will show you more of Himself than you ever thought possible. He will meet you there in that very real and thin place.

The Struggle is Part of the Story

This summer I have been going through a Bible study with some friends from church. We are doing Angie Smith's "Seamless" study. I have enjoyed following Angie on her blog for several years now, so when I heard about this study I knew it was one I wanted to do. I just had no idea at the time what this study would mean to me and how it would come at a time in my life when I needed it the most.

In the first week of the study Angie asks the question "What experiences in your life have caused you to struggle with believing that [God] is good and that He loves you?" She asked us to write them down and seal them up - it was just supposed to be between us and God. I struggled with this question, not for obvious reasons, but because I couldn't think of anything specific. Nothing of significance anyway. I remember telling Andrew that I didn't have anything to write and how I struggled with it. How did I deserve to have had an absence of struggle when I have witnessed so much pain in the lives of those around me? I remember feeling guilty and a part of me longing to know God in a way that I had only heard others talk about - how you grow closer to God and how real he becomes in the midst of trials.

At the same time, about a week earlier, I had just found out I was pregnant. June 1, 2015 was one of the most exciting days of my life. There wasn't just one line, but two. Two pink lines told me that I was going to be a mother. I was overwhelmed with emotion, but I praised God for the life growing inside me, and instantly became wrapped around the idea of being a mother. In that moment I visualized the rest of my life and what it would look like. Excitement is an understatement. It pretty much consumed my every waking moment and thought for the next few weeks. We wanted to tell my parents in person so that meant waiting a couple of weeks. It felt like forever. That kind of excitement feels heavy, begs to be shared, needs to be divided among people so that it's easier to manage. 

Soon after we told our parents our news, we went for our first doctor appointment and saw the beat of a tiny heart on the ultrasound screen. Everything else melted away except for the image on that screen. Later I could not remember anything the doctor said or that there was even a nurse in the room. That moment changed my life. With every beat of our baby's heart, my heart was being shaped and molded, preparing to love in ways I was only beginning to understand. And I had no idea how that tiny heart would continue to change me in the coming weeks.

I have a feeling I will always think of my life as Before and After. I think tragedy just grips you and changes you in a way that you are never the same. But as I write this it was only two weeks ago that I heard those awful words "I can't find the heartbeat" and I know we have a long way to go on this road. I also know that at that very moment, in the examining room, I was faced with everything I have always believed to be true about God. And I had a choice to make in that moment. Either he was good and he loved me, or not. Simple as that. I realize that I could have gone either way. There's no way to know how you will respond in that moment. But despite my flesh, which was screaming to be heard with shouts of self-pity, doubt, and fear - I chose to believe in what I know of God's character over my circumstances. I chose to believe that He is ultimately good, even when I don't understand. I don't claim to have any answers, I know I never will understand in this lifetime. But as I have known my whole life, but am just beginning to learn, that truly trusting God isn't about having answers or knowing "why".. Rather, it's believing Him when we don't have answers and nothing makes sense. It's knowing that He has never left our side, that He is closer to us in our pain than at any other time in our life, probably because that's when we lean on him the most. It's feeling absolutely torn apart but knowing that somehow he is holding you together. And that the broken places of your heart are allowing Him to enter in.

Just yesterday I flipped back to the beginning of our bible study book. We are several weeks into the study now and each week there have been new lessons to learn and we have grown in so many ways, in our faith but also closer to each other. I will always be grateful for these sweet friends God has placed in my life. I know He placed them there because when I moved here a few years ago, that is what I prayed for. That's another post for another day, but what I am learning is that God always provides. Maybe not on our timeline, not in a way that makes any sense to us, but in His perfect time. So I went back to the very question that I stumbled over a few weeks back. I felt I had something to write this time, so I wrote it down, sealed it up. Gave it to God. It's too heavy for me to carry on my own. I know that we all struggle in different ways and what may not seem difficult to one person is for another like fighting a tide in the middle of a hurricane. And different seasons of our lives bring different kinds of struggles. I know that if I would have been completely honest with myself before, I would have remembered times when I struggled to believe that God had not forgotten me. And I could have written them down. But instead, I compared my struggles to others' and considered mine insignificant.  (In the future, this is probably not the best idea - the comparison trap is never healthy in whatever form it takes). But the truth is, the times of my life that I neglected to write down, those times that seemed insignificant, those were the times God had been using to prepare me and teach me to trust him. In many ways throughout my life, God has proven himself faithful. That is why when sitting in the doctor's office, hearing those awful words, despite the doubts of my flesh, I was able to choose to believe Him. That is why, when later that night I lay face down on the bathroom floor, crying out to him in my hurt and brokenness, I was able to find peace and rest. That is why, when every morning I wake up, when I am tempted to feel despair, I can choose to have hope.

At first, I struggled with the idea of writing about this, or at least sharing it. I am the most vulnerable I have ever been and for me, writing is the most raw expression of my heart. But writing is also healing and I am sure that the prompting I have felt is the Holy Spirit encouraging me that this is my story to tell. And when I was still hesitant about it, He spoke to me through a book I am currently reading. In her book, Bittersweet, Shauna Niequist writes:

"This is what I want you to do: tell your story. Don't allow the story of God, the sacred, transforming story of what God does in a human heart to become flat and lifeless. If we choose silence, if we allow the gospel to be told only on Sundays, only in sanctuaries, only by approved and educated professionals, that life-changing story will lose its ability to change lives."

I pray that God uses this part of my story for His glory, that my pain is not in vain and that He works it all together for His ultimate good. I was also hesitant to write because my story doesn't have a "happy ending". I tried to reason that this would be a much better story to tell later on, maybe after I had a healthy baby so I could share pictures and tell you that God redeemed my hurt and answered my prayer. But I write in faith that the best is still to come. I'm not sure what that may be, not sure I even believe in "happy endings", but I do trust in God's plan and in his character. I trust that someday my story will come full circle, even if I'm not sure exactly what that looks like. I also know that if I didn't share this part of the story - if I only told the happy and neglected to tell of the hurt, of the struggle, then it wouldn't be complete. To borrow from Shauna again, "when we tell the truth about our lives - the broken parts, the secret parts, the beautiful parts - then the Gospel comes to life, an actual story about redemption.." I wish the struggle wasn't part of the story, oh how I wish I didn't have to write about the struggle. But without the broken parts, the beautiful parts wouldn't be as beautiful. And that is what I am clinging to. I know that God makes everything beautiful in time.

Recently, I came across a translation of a verse in Isaiah (chapter 66, verse 9) that I have never seen before.

This is a very simplified translation of this verse, but it spoke to me. Since I am not a Bible scholar, I read several commentaries on what this means. The idea is that Isaiah was referencing the Church. And that since God had, from the beginning of time, planned its increase, he would not abandon it. It's as if God was saying "would I begin something and not finish it?" In the context, the Israelites had suffered through exile, been cut off from their land and from their God. Then, when some were allowed to return in anticipation of the great blessings they had been promised, they found only further suffering. The writer assures the people the promised rebirth of Jerusalem was imminent. God had promised, and he was faithful to fulfill that promise, even though it was hard for them to see in the midst of their suffering. This is where I find hope. In this life, in this broken world, there will always be suffering, in whatever form that takes in your life or mine. But the same promise that was true then is true now - our Rescue is coming.

As I said before, I'm not sure what the end of my story looks like. I would love to take this verse literally and see it as a promise from God that he will allow me to have another child. That the "something new to be born" would be a baby in my arms. But until then, I simply trust and know that He is good.